Some of you, if there are still you out there reading my journal, may notice that many of my older posts are deleted. I've done this because my past is full of negativity. I'm through with the negative in my life. I'm a different person then I used to be. I don't want to remember all those horrible times. I want to make happy memories with my son, my family, my friends, new friends, old friends...whatever comes. I'm still currently in a bad situation, but intents are to make it better. It will just take a little bit of time and patience, I can withstand this challenge. I've become a strong woman, and I can overcome anything life has to throw at me.
I've become a mother, sister, daughter, wife, cook, educated, strong, insightful, thoughtful, organized, careful...and much much more. I have been in school for two and half years now. I'm finishing my first semester of my third year come next month. I will graduate with a Bachelors in General science and alternate in Dosimetry. Dosimetry is a heavily math and physics based career. Once I enter my profession I plan on finding work at an oncology center in Hawaii. My spirit soars when I'm near the beach, where else better to live then surrounded by them! Not only that but hiking! It's so much fun, I go hiking so much here in Arkansas and it's so serene and beautiful. So much time to investigate ones self experiencing the beauty of life. I'm thankful for all my mentors on campus and all the people I have met in my classes on the way. I find myself still withdrawn from the majority of students, but I do try to reach out more now. I feel like I'm living with my eyes wide open now.
I love my son. His name is Devin. He is SO smart. He amazes me everyday. I never knew there was love like this. It's the true unconditional love that everyone talks about. It's like that crazy love you feel as a teenager with your first....except this is real. This is not a rush of self induced drugs to the system that seem to only last a short time before you have to deal with what is real. I would do anything for my son. He is a big reason I have chose to better myself and become a better person. To know that I can give him everything he needs and will want out of life. To be there for him and support him in anything he chooses to do no matter how crazy his ideas may be! I will always be there for him, no matter what. I have decided I want one more. A smile comes to my lips as I think about it. This time I want to do it in a more......."old fashion" type of way. I think I have a candidate for creating a happy, loving, "boring" family with me.
I have opted to take an anti-depression med called Celexa. I've been having issues with stress, depression, and anxiety. Thought I fully believe that it will get better. Whether it's the drugs or just my thought process due to current circumstances, it doesn't matter because I feel mentally healthy. Speaking of health, I have lost 50lbs. For a while I didn't care about anything not even myself and I let myself get to 238 lbs. My goal is 150lbs. I have had several people tell me that is a dream goal. This is in fact NOT a dream goal this is a very feasible goal. My doctor tells me it's going to be hard and take time, BUT it is very achievable and I believe him with all my heart. My image has always been a huge issue, more now then it used to. I will better myself physically, and I will not stop till I'm satisfied. I am able to run 3.5 meters now. I want to get back into soccer. I have found a couple local adult soccer teams and I've been actively talking with the group and I'm probably going to join them for a pick up game.
I do not know what is to come. I do know what I want and if anyone knows me they know how stubborn I am once I have my mind set. There is someone from my past that has made me happier then I've been in a while. We respected each other and we never put the other down. He is probably the only man I've ever dated that did not issue physical, mental, or verbal abuse towards me. We parted suddenly due to circumstances out of our control. Now it seems like a missing puzzle piece is suddenly found. We've both done quite a bit of growing, especially me. I think this time it will work. I don't think, I know.
Right now I'm living in Arkansas. This place has it's beauty, but this is not the place for me. On December 19th I will be flying out to CA to spend my winter break with my family. I will be there from December 19th through to January 13th. I may even be paying a certain special someone a visit, I hope.
I think a new day is dawning in my life. I am closing another chapter in my life...the last chapter of this book. A new book will be written by my future. I'm not who I used to be. I have grown up. I know what I want and I know I can achieve what I want with the determination I exude. That's all I have to say right now. I will keep you....myself updated on how things turn out. I intend to keep taking Celexa till I finish college and get myself and my son to Hawaii. This is a stressful time in my life, and I do need a little help mentally to overcome those thoughts of discouragement. Now it is time for Calculus homework, heh I've procrastinated enough this morning. Wear a smile each day and you're sure to cheer up someone.
- A New Day