Ramblings of My Mind

Ramblings of My Mind

On my trail to happiness and positive living I've become more aware of the negativity and have not allowed it to envelope me. It has been hard to stick by my decisions, but for the best. I know what I want and no one will stand in my way. I know in my heart this is the right choice for me. I feel like I am not living true to myself if I am not completely happy. It is easy to tell other people to do what they love, it is not so easy to follow those ideas in my life. I may not chose the most practical of paths to follow, what is practical anymore. In my life this far I have never made the practical choice. I have never been the one to not take a chance. I live to jump with my eyes shut. I've decided that's just me. There is no pain that I can not endure, no challenge to hard to overcome, and no possibility out of reach. Over winter break I have ALOT to think over, and figure out for myself. I can't wait to be in CA with my family, and friends. I have missed the west coast so much!!!

A New Day
Some of you, if there are still you out there reading my journal, may notice that many of my older posts are deleted. I've done this because my past is full of negativity. I'm through with the negative in my life. I'm a different person then I used to be. I don't want to remember all those horrible times. I want to make happy memories with my son, my family, my friends, new friends, old friends...whatever comes. I'm still currently in a bad situation, but intents are to make it better. It will just take a little bit of time and patience, I can withstand this challenge. I've become a strong woman, and I can overcome anything life has to throw at me.

I've become a mother, sister, daughter, wife, cook, educated, strong, insightful, thoughtful, organized, careful...and much much more. I have been in school for two and half years now. I'm finishing my first semester of my third year come next month. I will graduate with a Bachelors in General science and alternate in Dosimetry. Dosimetry is a heavily math and physics based career. Once I enter my profession I plan on finding work at an oncology center in Hawaii. My spirit soars when I'm near the beach, where else better to live then surrounded by them! Not only that but hiking! It's so much fun, I go hiking so much here in Arkansas and it's so serene and beautiful. So much time to investigate ones self experiencing the beauty of life. I'm thankful for all my mentors on campus and all the people I have met in my classes on the way. I find myself still withdrawn from the majority of students, but I do try to reach out more now. I feel like I'm living with my eyes wide open now.

I love my son. His name is Devin. He is SO smart. He amazes me everyday. I never knew there was love like this. It's the true unconditional love that everyone talks about. It's like that crazy love you feel as a teenager with your first....except this is real. This is not a rush of self induced drugs to the system that seem to only last a short time before you have to deal with what is real. I would do anything for my son. He is a big reason I have chose to better myself and become a better person. To know that I can give him everything he needs and will want out of life. To be there for him and support him in anything he chooses to do no matter how crazy his ideas may be! I will always be there for him, no matter what. I have decided I want one more. A smile comes to my lips as I think about it. This time I want to do it in a more......."old fashion" type of way. I think I have a candidate for creating a happy, loving, "boring" family with me.

I have opted to take an anti-depression med called Celexa. I've been having issues with stress, depression, and anxiety. Thought I fully believe that it will get better. Whether it's the drugs or just my thought process due to current circumstances, it doesn't matter because I feel mentally healthy. Speaking of health, I have lost 50lbs. For a while I didn't care about anything not even myself and I let myself get to 238 lbs. My goal is 150lbs. I have had several people tell me that is a dream goal. This is in fact NOT a dream goal this is a very feasible goal. My doctor tells me it's going to be hard and take time, BUT it is very achievable and I believe him with all my heart. My image has always been a huge issue, more now then it used to. I will better myself physically, and I will not stop till I'm satisfied. I am able to run 3.5 meters now. I want to get back into soccer. I have found a couple local adult soccer teams and I've been actively talking with the group and I'm probably going to join them for a pick up game.

I do not know what is to come. I do know what I want and if anyone knows me they know how stubborn I am once I have my mind set. There is someone from my past that has made me happier then I've been in a while. We respected each other and we never put the other down. He is probably the only man I've ever dated that did not issue physical, mental, or verbal abuse towards me. We parted suddenly due to circumstances out of our control. Now it seems like a missing puzzle piece is suddenly found. We've both done quite a bit of growing, especially me. I think this time it will work. I don't think, I know.

Right now I'm living in Arkansas. This place has it's beauty, but this is not the place for me. On December 19th I will be flying out to CA to spend my winter break with my family. I will be there from December 19th through to January 13th. I may even be paying a certain special someone a visit, I hope.

I think a new day is dawning in my life. I am closing another chapter in my life...the last chapter of this book. A new book will be written by my future. I'm not who I used to be. I have grown up. I know what I want and I know I can achieve what I want with the determination I exude. That's all I have to say right now. I will keep you....myself updated on how things turn out. I intend to keep taking Celexa till I finish college and get myself and my son to Hawaii. This is a stressful time in my life, and I do need a little help mentally to overcome those thoughts of discouragement. Now it is time for Calculus homework, heh I've procrastinated enough this morning. Wear a smile each day and you're sure to cheer up someone.

So I've cought the flu, and it sucks. But on a lighter note yesterday my mom and I decided to occupy our friends 100 gallon tank with more fish since all thiers died from ick a lil while ago and all they had were a few soul survivors. So we got 6 mollys: 2 Dalmation (orange/white,black/white), 2 white, and 2 orange n black mickeymouse mollys. They are so cool looking. Also we got 5 more tetras to befriend the one lonely one and 3 cool looking orange lil fishes. The tank looks much better. The best thing of all is that one of the white mollys is a female and she's pregnant and any day now she's going to have 20 lil fry. Teehee thats what they are called when they are lil. I can't wait and she's sooooooooo huge. I told a friend of mine that I wanted to pop her like a lil pimple so all the babies would come out! Nah I wouldn't do that. But I can't wait to see the lil fellas. Also I think that the female orange/white dalmation molly may be pregnant too! I'm kinda liking it cause it's cool to think that imma get 20-40 lil baby fishes to protect from the rest of the tank and nurter until they are big enough to live in the tank with the rest of the fish. Anyhow yes I'm obsessed over fish right now, also I've found that I love just sitting there and watching them swim around the tank chasing eachother and looking as though they are playing follow the leader and establishing dominants in the lil schools. Anyhow bubye for now.

So I had this dream last night. Pritty weird dream if you ask me. It was about me and a friend and I'm not sure who the friend was and we were hired assassins. My specialty killing weapons were some really badass dagger throwing and silenced pistols. Hers was some kind of quiet rifle. So we take our jobs one after another no problem. But these arn't easy jobs there are lots of fighting and near death involved. We happen to make it out unscathed each time tho. The for some reason we meet up with a third assassin and a dude...who happened to be an ex boyfriend of mine. Not going to name names even though I saw who it was very clearly. Anyhow we go on our way with them. So this dude does something really rude and buys himself and the other female assassin something to eat and leaves out me and my friend. Along with a lot of other really shady things along the way. My friend and I end up getting a message that they are in fact an enemy team. Cold heartedly we make our move before they are able to make thiers. We stopped at reststop or something with a small sitting area, restrooms ect. I pickup the nearest weapon from a locker of sorts that my friend and I carry along, happened to be a rifle silenced or something. I'm not good with guns...but i saw several different kinds in my dreams. Was kinda weird kinda makes me wanna know what kind of guns they were. But anyhow so I take down this female with ease and I target the dude. Who happens to be standing to my left. He keeps talking to me not really begging for his life but trying to call my bluff because we had a past together. He keeps putting the gun to his forehead while I'm holding it and I keep backing away. It comes to a point were he's like yeah thats what I thought and he begins walking to the restroom around this glass house looking thing to the other side. I get him in my sights and take fire, he goes down and my headshot was right on. My friend and I leave the bodies and take off. Now the guy I took down did not have brothers....not when I dated him. But these brothers that I had no clue of, maybe friends...came out of no where somehow following us knowing where we were. Taking us by suprise...I try to fight but no weapons were close enough for me to get my hands on. I'm not really paying attention to my friend. I have a switchblade and I land my mark giving me time to maybe make cover. All of a sudden I find myself with not one but two shots of buckshot in my right side. It hurts but not so bad. I go down at the steps of a very very small hospital like building. I stay down and try to act as inactive as possible. My wounds are bleeding really bad and I can see my blood flooding in around me....but the pain starts to stagger. I open my eyes and check to see if the attention is adverted away from me. Then I make my way up the stairs and into this hospital. They notice my wounds and try to treat me but all I was trying to do was hide. These two crazy male figures came into the hospital and started threatening everyone. Suddenly I hear sirens the police. I hear someone say "EVERYONE GET DOWN NOW!" we all fell to the floor and the hospital was mowed down with bullets. The two criminals were down. I found my friend she was not so badily injured but still hurt. We spent no time there and left out the backside of the hospital....yeah were are the cops right? anyhow then we jump in our car and drive off....Our next stop was in vegas...and somehow my wounds are healing quite fast. In vegas we got payed by whoever hired us and we went shopping. Thats about the time I woke up and things started getting kinda split up and pritty weird. But yep thats muh dream. Interesting dream. First time I've had that dream.

Worlds of Warcraft
All I can say is...I can really dig it. This game flippin rocks! Blows FFXI out of the water. Gives a whole new meaning to online rpg. The graphix are insane. And by far the most addicting game ever!

Left side of brain: Soooooooooooo whats going on?
Right side of brain: Oh same ol same ol.
Left side of brain: Ooooooh tell me about it.
Right side of brain: Maybe later.
Left side of brain: Why later?
Right side of brain: Well we have all night.

Well then...
Yep I hate that time of month...but at the moment I really have nothing to say for myself. My Sister and my parents might be moving to arkansas in a year. Yeah, Arkansas, My sister works for the FDA Department and if her boss goes then she's planning to move too. I talked to my Nephew on Thanksgiving, He misses me and I miss him very much. Talked to mom and dad, didn't talk to my sister though, she never really wants to talk to me. Anyhow I dunno I just wanna be on the coast again. Mexican food, Sushi, Fish Tacos, so much to be missed. Anyhow days go on, living life. And every day i grow more and more fond of my puppy. He's a sweet heart and his unconditional love is healing.

Who ever invented the words for what an animal makes? I mean a cat goes meow, a dog goes woof, and chicken goes buack buack, and a cow goes mooo. But those sounds don't really sound like what comes out the animals mouth...So who made it final that the spelling for a squeak that comes out of a cats mouth should be meow? I end my case!

Fall Equinox/Labrynth
Happy fall Equinox everyone! Well those who are not affended anyhow. Well yesterday Melissa, Billy K and her boyfriend took me to a gathering in regards for mediation and celebrate the day that the god went to sleep. It was wonderful, the lady (doesn't remember her name)who's house we walked the labrynth at was awesome. She is Pegan, and wonderful teacher. There were about 15 people there all walking the labrynth at once, and the feeling of us all passing by eachother and walking the labrynth as quickly as slowly, dancing, just felt so great. I was calm, excited revived, alive, and dead all at the same time. I took that time to think about everything and releave all my worries and fustrations. I walked the labrynth with a dead leaf, the necklace phil gave me and the anklet brian gave me. Yes i removed them. After I had left the labrynth and payed my regards, i felt no reason to put them back on. I left them somewere in the jimmy...but well they dissapeared and I can't find them anymore, I wanted to put them somewere proper. I feel wonderful. Today I also bought an Ankh, (symbol of enternal life), black angel wings cause I've been wanting them for a long time, and a few other lil things. Heheheh okay be well all. Oh yeah Happy Equinox!

Hollywood Video
Okay yeah I've been very bored today, but just one more ramble before I go to work. Okay so we all have seen movies were the people who work at the video store or the music store are kinda odd. Well that is exactly how it is. I work at Hollywood Video...and well we are very odd people. Eacho of us have our own different attitudes. But we keep eachother busy. Talking about movies, rpgs, fps, and oh boy dungeon and dragons is a huge hit down there, They have a gathering each weekend of it. I've been to shy to ask if they could open for one more hehehe. But also each weekend we have movie parties were we all hang out and watch movies and be wierd....well not we, i haven't been to one of those either. I guess I'm the antisocial one of the group. They invite me to go places and do things with them and i'm kinda "uhhhh okay let me see if i have any plans tonight (and i don't) and I'll be like ummm I can I have to spend time with my boyfriend. We know many of our customers and they love to joke with us as well. Yeah it's fun, I actually WANT to go to work. We're just a big group of nerds but heh thats a good thing. Oh and Blockbuster sucks!


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